The dad bag is packed. It’s specially designed for dads (i.e. it has a compartment for my pipe and screwdriver) so I’ll be looking quite the man about town very soon.
Here are the essentials.
1. Muslin cloths
Check carefully that you have got the spelling right before ordering online else the only thing you’ll be prepared for is manufacturing a salwar kameez. Muslin cloths are only useful for 2 things; cheese making and rubbing infant sick into fabrics.
2. Wet wipes
Symptomatic of our throw away society. Wet wipes are for people too lazy to moisturise their own tissues. Buy them in bulk and they can replace a range of household items; out with the duster, the J-cloth, the flannel, the post-it notes. Buy shares now.
3. Spare clothes
One of the first things they teach you at finishing school is that it is not polite behaviour to soil yourself in public to such an extent that your whole outfit needs to be changed. This memo hasn’t reached babies yet and as such a poo-splosion can realistically be expected at any time.
4. Changing mat x 2
Have you seen the changing tables in pub and restaurant toilets? If you’re a man the answer is almost certainly no because there aren’t any. You’re doing it on the floor buddy. On the floor of a public toilet. That’s why it’s important to have two changing mats – one to do the changing on and the other to protect the better changing mat from abominations lurking on the floor.
5. Alcohol hand gel
Buy shares in alcohol hand gel. Goes well with tonic and a slice of lime if you’re in a bind.
6. Nappy sacks
Er, so you don’t have to carry shitty nappies round in your pockets.
The man bag has a special pocket for ‘my’ things but given that all of the other items in the bag are designed to clean up sick or poo, I don’t think I’ll be keeping my sandwich in there any time soon.
Now all that remains is to go outside.
The Captain Poo Pants Chronicles 